Hi.

My name is Ted, and I’m the Leader of the Free World.   

Now of course you may have heard differently, because somebody else claims to hold that position, but I’m here to tell you that I have as much right to declare myself LOTFW as he does. Maybe more.    

First of all they’re so proud of their democracy down there that they do their damnedest to foist it on any country that has oil. I mean, a tyrant. Did I say diamonds...I mean oil? Sorry. Anyway, if it’s so important to them that their President be elected by a majority vote (although that seems not to matter much any more), how come the LOTFW isn’t elected by a majority of voters in the free world? I didn’t get to vote! My friend in Singapore didn’t either. I’ll bet no one asked you to make a mark next to the candidate of your choice.    

So if democracy doesn’t come into it, who’s to say that the LOTFW can’t just chose himself?    

And that’s exactly what I’ve done. So there!    

There are a few points I would clear up before we get too far along here, and the first thing is: where is this "free world" we’re talking about? Free in what way? Can I walk naked in public? Nuh uh! Can I have a barbecue on Bill Gates’ back lawn? Can I smoke marijuana with Bill Clinton? Nope. I’m not free to do that, and neither are you. (Unless you are as wealthy as Bill Gates, and then I suppose it could be arranged.)   

This word freedom is bandied about all too frequently for my taste, and its definition has been tampered with,  most often by those people that think their guy is LOTFW! A Department of Homeland Security with sweeping powers has different ideas on freedom. The guys that came up with the Patriot Act have a different take on freedom. The high court judge in Saudi Arabia who says it is permissible to kill someone owning a satellite broadcaster showing material of a sexual nature has a notion on freedom. The close to one million folks incarcerated by the state in that land whose leader claims to lead the entire planet - they don’t know much about freedom. All those good people that still believe homosexuality is a disease have weird ideas about freedom.   

But never mind. Let’s assume there is a free world somewhere. Wherever it is, I’m its leader. Don’t get me wrong, It's not that I particularly want the job, but I don’t want anyone else to have it if they can’t do as good a job as me. I tried to give the job to Rosie at Oscar’s Pub, but she felt there would be a conflict of interest in accepting tips from her customers. I tried to fob it off on Dave, because he has a PhD and seems to be very astute, but Dave begged off because he’s "way too cynical", so for the time being, I seem to be stuck with it. But if you hear of anybody that you think would qualify, I’d be only too happy to pass on the burden. And he/she has to be really really good or it’s a no go. For instance, a guy like Stephen Harper, say, wouldn’t even be close to suitable, because, well, he’s a hypocrite. Of course, that’s only my opinion, but you don’t have to be the Leader of the Free World to have one of those.

Be good, my subjects (or at least make an effort.)